Helping children through grief

Talking to children about death

• Approach a child’s emotions with validation and guidance.

• Be open and honest when they ask questions.

• Be reassuring and supportive of their concerns by not denying or minimizing their fears.

• Ask children to discuss their thoughts and tell you what they understand, and fill in their gaps or correct misunderstandings.

When we lose a loved one, it affects everyone in the family, including children. A child, just like an adult, experiences grief in their own way, but what makes it more difficult for children is their lack of understanding about why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling. It’s because of this that trying to help a child through grief can be a difficult task, but it’s still a task that must be handled, and handled delicately.

Because grief is personal and unique to each person who’s experiencing it, trying to navigate exactly how to help a child through grief can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re dealing with your own grief.

Since there is no right or wrong way to grieve, you can’t exactly give your child pointers on how to go about their grieving process. The best you can do is be honest, make them feel safe, and give them every opportunity to express their emotions.

What to say

When talking to a child about grief, it’s important to speak simply and directly. You don’t want to confuse them without a lot of rhetoric that they don’t need to know, nor do you want to fill their head with things that can be confusing.

Sometimes when a child we love is grieving, we can feel the need to protect them from the truth so as to minimize their suffering, but if that protection comes at the cost of honesty, then you’re not doing them any favors. If anything, you just might be adding to their confusion about death and grief.

For example, if a child who’s grieving asks how long they’ll feel this way, don’t try to reassure them that it will pass soon. Instead, be honest and tell them that you don’t know how long they will feel the way they do and that there is no specific timeline for grief—but that you are here with them to hold them and love them through the process.

If they ask you how they’re supposed to feel or act, tell them there is no right or wrong way to feel or act. Let them know that they’re allowed to be sad, angry, scared, confused — every possible emotion that they might be experiencing. It’s important that they know everything they’re feeling is valid and if they’re not feeling a certain way, that doesn’t mean they’re grieving wrong.

Also explain that because there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, their grief may look differently from yours, other family members, or other children who are suffering the same loss. If your child hasn’t cried, while everyone else is crying, explain to them that it’s normal and it’s just how their personal grief is affecting them. If they act out and do things they wouldn’t normally do and are confused by their own behavior, again explain that it’s the grief that made them act that way. Even if they can’t really wrap their brains around the concept of grief, they’re still feeling something very real and intense, and that something, no matter what it is, needs to be validated with your words.

What to do

No matter the child’s age death, especially if it’s their first experience with it, will shake them to the core. Because of this, you want to do what you can to make them feel safe. A good way to do that is by sticking to a routine. With a routine, your child will know what to expect next which is a good thing against a backdrop of grief. Grief can affect people in unexpected ways, so providing them routine among any unexpected ways that might arise, will give them a comfortable sense of normalcy. Even if you didn’t adhere to a strict routine before, you’ll find that routine is exactly what your grieving child needs now.

Not only is having and keeping a routine essential, but you also want to be flexible with your child’s behavior too. Because your child may act out in different or even strange ways, you don’t want to discipline them too harshly for their response to their own grief. A good way to do this is by letting go of your usual expectations that you have for them. If they come home with a bad grade on a test or start wetting the bed despite having been potty trained for a few years, console them and don’t punish them. Their actions are stemming from their grief and their confusion over their grief, so you want to give them space to make mistakes during this difficult time.

How to make them feel safe

One of the best ways to make your grieving child feel safe, in addition to reassuring them as often as they need it that what they’re feeling won’t last forever and setting up a routine, is by being a leader. As much as you may be emotionally struggling with your own grief, your child is going to look to you as to how to act and what to say. Even if you think your child might not be paying attention, they are, so take that into consideration before you say or do something off the cuff. Granted, no one is expecting you to be perfect during this difficult time, but because you do have a responsibility to be the best role model you can be for your child, you want to be cognizant of your own behavior so your child isn’t faced with more confusion and fears. Their feeling of safety will come from you creating an environment where everything is as calm, honest, and as loving as possible.

Helping a child through grief takes a lot of effort and compassion — not just for your child, but for yourself too. It’s important that while you do what you can to make your child’s grieving process as easy as possible, you give them and yourself grace. Lower your expectations for both of you, create a safe space for any possible hiccups, and just keep things loving and open. Just as much as you can’t give your child a definitive timeline as to when they’ll stop grieving, neither can you do it for yourself. So practice patience and mindfulness for both of you. Be kind to yourself and know that eventually things will be easier, and you’ll both be on the other side of this grief in time.