Sharing the news of death with kids

Approach a child’s emotions with validation and guidance.
Be open and honest when they ask questions.
Be reassuring and supportive of their concerns by not denying or minimizing their fears.
Ask children to discuss their thoughts and tell you what they understand, and fill in their gaps or correct misunderstandings.

When a family member or friend dies, telling kids can be one of the hardest parts of the grief process. You’re likely still processing the news yourself, and if you feel stuck or overwhelmed, you’re not alone. By thinking deeply about how to have this conversation, you’re already modeling to children that painful moments can be full of care and compassion.

There is no “perfect” way to tell a child about someone’s death. There is no “easy” way to share such complex, difficult news. At the same time, there are guidelines that will help you show up as a sturdy, safe adult—and help a child learn to process grief in healthy ways, both now and in the future. Here are three guidelines for approaching the conversation.

Step 1: Set expectations

First, prepare a child for the fact this will be a different kind of conversation—not an everyday update about sports practice or a playdate. When you remove the surprise from a difficult moment, you increase a child’s capacity to cope. Here’s an example script:

“Hi sweetie, I have something difficult to tell you. This conversation might bring up a lot of big feelings for both of us.”

Step 2: Use real words

When we avoid the reality of death and rely on euphemisms—like “a long sleep” or “went to a better place”—it often ends up creating a lot of anxiety in our kids. Our kids notice that the person who takes “a long sleep” never comes back—and suddenly, going to bed might feel terrifying. That’s why it’s important to use real, simple words to talk about death and illness.

Information doesn’t scare kids, it’s a lack of information that feels scary. Using real words might sound like:

“Grandpa died today. Death means his body stopped working.”

While this simple definition works for kids of all ages, you may want to offer slightly more information to older kids who already understand death generally. For example, you might say: "Grandpa died today. He had cancer that spread through his body, and this morning, the cancer made his body stop working.”

Step 3: Pause and check-in

After you share the news, pause. If a child reacts quickly, you might not need to say anything else. If they seem to still be processing, you can add something like: “There are a lot of other details we can talk about, but first, I want to pause. What’s going on for you? I’m here for any questions or feelings.”

You can also focus on physical comfort: put a loving hand on their back, look at them with compassion, or simply take a deep breath and sit still next to them. Children are highly attuned to the adults in their lives, and your warm, loving presence matters more than any specific words you can say.

How to respond to common reactions

Kids react to news of death in many different ways. They might pepper you with questions, melt down, or act as though nothing happened. No matter how a child reacts, the most important thing is to follow their lead—don’t rush the process or force a conversation. Here’s how to respond to different common reactions from children:

Asks lots of questions: First, validate their curiosity: “I’m so glad we’re talking about this—it’s important.” Then, try to answer each question to the best of your ability. If you don’t know how to answer, you can always say: “That’s a great question. Right now, I don’t have an answer, but I promise I’ll think about it and come back to you.”
Expresses concern about you or others: When someone dies, it’s natural for your kid to start worrying about other people in their lives. A child might ask, “Will you die?” First, validate their concern: “Your brain is working so hard to understand this, and you’re asking really important questions. I will always tell you the truth, even when it comes with big feelings.” Then, give them an honest answer: “One day, I will die. Death happens to every living thing. I have every reason to believe this day won’t come for a very, very, very long time. That’s a lot to think about, huh?” Then pause, offer a hug, or rub their back.
Expresses concern about themselves: Similarly, kids might wonder what someone else’s death means for them. If a child says, “Am I going to die?” or “Am I okay?”, establish safety by focusing on the facts: “You are young and healthy. Right now, you are not dying. But yes—one day, you will die. Death happens to every living thing, and we have every reason to believe it won’t happen to you for a very, very long time.”
Feels responsible: When kids are confused, they often turn to self-blame for a sense of control. Make it clear that someone’s death is not the child’s fault: “Nothing you did or said made this happen. Their death is not your fault.”
Throws a tantrum: Death can bring up big feelings for our kids, which can explode out of their body as hits, screams, or throwing toys. Validate their feelings while setting boundaries to keep them (and yourself) safe: “You’re allowed to be upset. I get it, and I won’t let you throw. I’m going to take away the blocks until you can calm down your body.”
Stays silent or moves on quickly: If a child doesn’t respond at all or asks, “Okay, can I go back and play outside now?”, it doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you or care. It means they are still processing the news. Trust that your words and presence mattered, and keep the door open for future conversations: “We don’t have to talk right now. I’ll keep checking-in, and I’m here whenever you need me.”

Navigating the days after the news

Grief isn’t linear, and it looks different for every child and adult in the days after someone’s death. The most important thing to remember: We can’t take away the pain, but we can take away the feeling of being alone. By showing up with honesty and warmth, you’re showing a child that love can coexist with loss—and establishing yourself as a safe person for all kinds of hard feelings, questions, and conversations.